“I’m not sure the DM really knows what communists or vampires are, because those things are neither mutually inclusive nor a proper reason to sprout 500 arms.”
“REPEAT AFTER ME: ‘My current situation is not my final destination’”—quote i stumbled across a few days ago and can’t get out of my head it’s so important (via bemynightingale)
1.) People bitching about the size names.
2.) People begging for a mini frappuccino size then bitching it’s only $.20 cheaper (when grande is only $.30 more than a tall… it actually makes sense)
3.) HR scheduling screwing us over EVERY SATURDAY without fail.
4.) Nobody from the rest of the store checking on us because they KNOW they ruined the schedule.
5.) Management cutting shifts short because they over scheduled.
if a girl ignores you she’s either hella pissed or hella sad and whatever it is you better apologize if you don’t wanna be ignored for the next 28 years
…OR….. and hear me out here… Girls can act like adults and communicate their feelings maturely instead of expecting people to just pick up on their emotions. Anyone? Anyone?
Zeus: Don’t fight Zeus. You’ll only end up sleeping with him. On second thought, do fight Zeus.
Hera: Look, I’m not saying anyone is really going to try to stop you, but I am saying she is petty as shit and will dedicate the rest of your life to destroying you in other ways. Your call.
Poseidon: You could probably fight Poseidon. Dude is built like a brick shithouse but he’d think it was a good time and buy you a beer afterwards.
Demeter: Are you fucking kidding? She created a new season the last time someone really pissed her off. Do not fucking fight Demeter.
Hades: Fight Hades, but only in spring, and then ask to see pictures of his dog.
Hestia: Are you Satan
Aphrodite: Arguably the lowest reward to risk ratio on this list. What is even the point here. Might as well save us all some time and punch yourself in the groin.
Athena: If you must, a sneak attack is required, and even then you’re still probably boned. Alternately, distract her first with statements such as “Mozart is an overrated hack” and “Garfield is not funny.”
Hephaestus: You could beat Hephaestus. You could not beat Hephaestus’ robot army. Do not fight Hephaestus.
Ares: Absolutely fight Ares. This is a no-brainer. Literally everyone wants you to kick Ares’ ass including Ares. You might feel bad when he starts crying but only if you are weak.
Artemis: Do not fight Artemis. Do not talk to Artemis. Do not look at Artemis. Do not think about Artemis.
Apollo: What did I just fucking say
Hermes: You could beat him if you could catch him, but you can’t, and even if you did, he would convince you to talk it out instead, buy you a drink, and be gone before you noticed your wallet was missing. Avoid.
Dionysus: Dionysus is an easy fight until he decides not to be. You could fight Dionysus but under no circumstances force him to give a shit.
Persephone: Don’t fight Persephone. She will beat you up. Her mom will beat you up. Her husband will probably also be unpleasant and disapproving in some way. Listen to trash pop with Persephone instead.
Hebe: Idk man, she bites.
Iris: Yo have you ever tried to punch a rainbow?
Heracles: Dude has seen some shit. You may think you’re bad enough but you really aren’t. There is literally no way this could end well for you. Do not fight Heracles.
lets just be clear, if you spend the time baking a cake/cookies/brownies, you can eat as many of them as you want and the calories don’t count. you made those calories. you’re their god.
disclaimer: this does not apply to children you have made
To anyone that is the praying sort, I’ll take any support I can get. My 14-year-old dog isn’t doing well at all, he can’t stand or move his back legs. He just cries. I’ve had him since I was 7, he’s been through 8 moves with me, I’m really struggling to cope. He probably only has a few days left.
If u wake up before 10 am at your own free will I don’t trust u, why u need those extra hours, to scheme on me? To eat my food while I’m sleep? To steal my money? Uh uh nope
I use those 3-4 hours to do things without being bothered by you people.
I’m sick of temporal plans. I don’t want to hang out next Wednesday, let’s chill after the next thunderstorm. Meet me when it’s 75 degrees. Time isn’t real.
“What are your store hours?” “Between when the loon calls and the crickets start chirping, but only on days when it rains.” “Right, thanks.”
I think ‘honey’ is the cutest nickname like you are the efforts of hundreds of tiny bees collaborating, you are made of flowers and love and you make everything so much sweeter.
A white rich suburban mom called me a dropout and told her very young daughter (who made the comment I was working very hard) this is where she’d end up if she didn’t do well in school
Finally
I graduated top 10 from both high school and college to hear the dropout speech from a white suburban mom
It’s like a right of passage for working in service and retail jobs
Finally I am a true waitress
The AMERICAN WAITRESS
bring ur diploma with u to work so you can hit ppl like that with it like ur scattering scavenging animals from a trash can
i just saw an ad that was probably supposed to say accident lawyers but it said accidental lawyers and i can’t sotp laughing “just got my law degree aw man this wasn’t what i meant to do how am i gonna get out of this one”
I do work for a Starbucks, and we're one that has a drive-through, so every day I get my regulars. And I have a tendency when someone drives up and they have a kid in the backseat I'll smile at them and I'll play along with the kid while we wait for a drink or food. And today one of my favorite kids that comes through give me a friendship bracelet. Her mom and I gave her plenty of chances to change her mind and she's like 'no I want you to have this' and I was so touched
I’m getting along so well with this new guy at work, it’s so nice to have someone I mesh with AND cares about his job. But even better?? He’s gay. So I don’t have to worry about him being attracted to me or psycho jealous girlfriends. Finally some good news!
When I worked at a non-profit that handled suicide prevention, I had access to the donation records. Each month, a specific man donated 15$ to our organization. It was like clockwork.. same day, same man, he had been doing this for over 4 years. It always seemed odd to me but I never questioned it… until I saw a note attached one month. “For Noah- Dad”
his donation was once his child’s allowance.
I can promise you, they would miss you for the rest of their lives.
